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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 281072 times)

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Offline Derek

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The only bad joke there is the piss water they are pretending is beer
Main problem with that piece of equipment  is that it warms the beer instead of keeping it cool  :beer2:

Offline Baron

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your 
neighbor?'   
 
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the damn jar open.' 
 

 

 
 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Babs

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The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the damn jar open.' 
 


 rofl
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Razor

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I set a new personal record last weekend for continuously making love for 1 hour 26 seconds! Then my wife pointed out that the clocks went forward an hour for daylight savings!!!

*****

Fek me! The BBC must have the worlds strictest working conditions! Peter Rowell, the missing News/TV/Radio Presenter tries to throw a "sickie day" and the BBC have the whole of the UK looking for him!

*****


Offline handy

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank,

an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard,

a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German,

an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn,

an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech,

and

a Swiss man walk into a nightclub.


The bouncer says,












"I can't let you in without a Thai."
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy

Offline Obblie

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Off Fukushima the fish are eating raw Japs
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Baron

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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military

man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'
He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?'
He nodded and said 'Yes dear', I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the

life out of those boobs and shag your brains out.'

 

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same
negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

 

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished'.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.


They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

 

When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.

 

They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.

 

Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ......... and yet our baby is so happy.

 

This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
 
The father said, "Why, it's a 'Chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
 
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
 
"It's a 'Djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
 
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
 
His father replied, "These are 'Babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
 
"Then tell me," added the boy.
 
"Yes, my son?"
 
"Why are you wearing all this shit when we live in London?"
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline handy

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After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply. "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy

Offline Baron

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My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

 

 

 



"Well,"  Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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WARNING!

Dont join the new Tesco Dating Service.

I did and ended up with a bag for life!

*****
I bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod, myself a iPhone and my wife an iRon. She wasnt overjoyed even after i explained it can be intergrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network.

This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.

*****
Just home from the World Blindfolded Wanking Championship. There were hundreds of entrants, i am not sure where i came?

*****
Prince William says he does not want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesnt give a fuck about what William wants! prince Edward will attend the wedding!

***** 

Offline Baron

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 ;D ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Obblie

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 :gig: :gig: :gig:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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FOR SALE: Man United radio. Volume works, bass is great. But the treble's Blown.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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The  value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little  Susie was not the best student in Catholic  School.  Usually she slept through the class.

One day her  teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was  sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her  friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in  the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun  said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A  little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and  Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once  again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the  butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the  Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back  asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did  Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third  child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time  Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in  me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun  fainted.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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The M1 is closed North and South near London due to a large obstruction.

Police have identified it as being Rio Ferdinands dummy!

*****
I was looking out of the window and saw the Mother-In-Law coming down the street. I can honestly say that i have never in my life been so happy to see her.

I shouted to the wife, "Are you ready love, the hearse is here!"

Offline crikey

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Dear Deidre, My new girlfriend is 10 years younger than me, is that too much of an age gap?

Deidre Writes. No don't be silly, age is nothing but a number.

Dear Deidre,Thank you for your response, you have made me feel much better about my relationship.
...
Derek, 22 from Sunderland.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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Kate Middleton says to The Queen "What's the secret of a long marriage?"

Queen says "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off..."
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline fred

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We're having a wedding, you're paying. You're not invited. Now run along and organise a street party in our honour. There's a good peasant.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Babs

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We're having a wedding, you're paying. You're not invited. Now run along and organise a street party in our honour. There's a good peasant.

I gather you don't approve, Fred?
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Langston

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We're having a wedding, you're paying. You're not invited. Now run along and organise a street party in our honour. There's a good peasant.
:hat3:

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I gather you don't approve, Fred?

Probably not - even after we patronised his tribe by letting them borrow a prince.  >:D

Offline Langston

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Probably not - even after we patronised his tribe by letting them borrow a prince.  >:D
Borrow? But I thought we'd dumped the prat on them. Don't tell me we have to have him back here at some stage?

Offline fred

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Borrow? But I thought we'd dumped the prat on them. Don't tell me we have to have him back here at some stage?

Just say the word...


I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gāf
Yr elor yw yr olaf