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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273161 times)

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richard

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Just say the word...


The couple that just married should call their first son Edward... then we can rebuild a few castles on his behalf and keep grape-shot in the cannon to keep you sheep-shaggers far enough away that we can't smell you.  :neener:

Offline fred

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The couple that just married should call their first son Edward... then we can rebuild a few castles on his behalf and keep grape-shot in the cannon to keep you sheep-shaggers far enough away that we can't smell you.  :neener:

;)
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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Leading Drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in experiments,

Muslims will be used instead, a top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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Man gives blood to save his wife's life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says to wife, "I want my blood back you BITCH!"
Wife throws a tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you BASTARD."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline crikey

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Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. 'Ive never done that' she says, 'what do I do ?' 'Well' replies Ben, 'remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do.' She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?'
Ben cries, 'TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END !!!'
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

richard

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DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk.

Scientists say this is most likely due to the bounty on his head.

Offline Razor

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What does Kate Middleton have in common with Osama Bin Laden?

Last Sunday, they both had their back doors smashed in and shot in the face by a bloke in the Navy!

Offline Baron

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 :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's gonna be in it at some stage.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline mortalwombat

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Got a pedometer app for my phone today. Anyone know how to work it? I wanna know if anyone near me is a pervert...
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool...

richard

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Got a pedometer app for my phone today. Anyone know how to work it? I wanna know if anyone near me is a pervert...


First off, you need some shielding between it and you to avoid embarrassing mis-triggers...

Offline mortalwombat

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 :butt: :butt: :butt: :neener:
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool...

Offline Babs

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"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

richard

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Cute bum...    ;)

Ain't it just...  :yup:

Offline Razor

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My wife called me from the bedroom, "Look what i found in the drawer, kinky-crotchless panties!" She said as she seductively modelled them.

I didn't have the heart to tell the fat bitch it was one of my string vests!

Offline Razor

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Fernando Torres turns up at Stamford Bridge with a back pack. The security guard asks what he has in his bag.

Torres says, "Porno DVDs, some counterfit match day tickets, some dodgy replica Chelsea shirts, drugs and a loaded gun".

The security guard relies, "Thank fuck for that! I thought you might have brought your boots!"

Offline Babs

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Pinched from elsewhere...   :gig:


For Negative People

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the F*** did your hair?"
"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline Obblie

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 :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

We like that one
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fairyhedgehog

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He said: "Who the F*** did your hair?"

Nice one!

Offline mortalwombat

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Latest game for the playstation?




Grand Theft Data
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool...

Offline fred

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When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!

Thomas Jefferson was next - he beat Osama with a long cane and snarled,It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept and said, This is not what an angel promised me.

The Angel replied, I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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 :gig: :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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I was worried about telling my new girlfriend that i suffer from premature ejaculation.

Fair play to her, she took it on the chin.

*****
West Ham United have just offered manager Avram Grant a new contract.

It's 300 minutes and 50 free texts.

*****

I had curried Pelican at our local Indian restaurant last night. the meal was wonderful, but the bill was huge!

*****

Offline Baron

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out
of her mourning stage.
 
Her daughter is constantly ringing her and urging   her to get back into the real world.
 
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but   didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mum, I have someone I want you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They talked to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Lake District
.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood, nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he is in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting anything that night...

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is
wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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Fernando Torres has been removed from the "suspect footballer" list in the Imogen Thomas Super Injunction case, as everyone knows he just cant score!