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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 279449 times)

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Offline fred

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Did ya hear Imogen Thomas has become a musician??..............She`s been doing Giggs all over Manchester
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.  Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.  So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
 
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.  He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.  Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.  It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.  Have a nice day, now...."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline fred

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Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally!!!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Obblie

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You owe me a keyboard  :hysterical: :hysterical:
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Razor

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Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer linked to a Super Injunction.

Apparently, the woman he shagged doesn't want to be named!

*****
Whilst on holiday, i picked up a woman in the club by telling her that i was going to take her back to my place, shag hell out of her in the bedroom, shag hell out of her in the living room, shag hell out of her in the bathroom and shag hell out of her in the kitchen.

She was well up for it, saying, "Wow! you must have some serious stamina!"

She seemed a little disappointed when we arrived back at the caravan.

*****
Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you have the correct insurance for the sex you are having from the list below:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a fat chick - More Than

Sex on the back seat of the car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged

Sex with a Transvestite - Confused.com

*****

Offline Razor

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My wife told me i should get a penis enlarger.

So i did. She is aged 21, has blonde hair, big boobs and her name is Lucy!

*****

People who say nothing lasts forever, should try masterbating over Susan Boyle

*****
My wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with the pop group "The Monkees".

At first i thought she was joking!

And then i saw her face ....

*****

My pet Budgie broke his leg, so i made him splints from two swan vesta match sticks. You should see his little face light up when he now walks.

*****

Q: Why did the illegal immigrant cross the road?

A: Because he stole the chickens job!

*****

Offline Baron

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Some friends were out playing a round of golf.
The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.
 The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

 Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
 
Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.
 
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"
 
 She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."
 The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline crikey

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Rumour has it that Rooney's transplant does not use his own hair  - instead, it's from Colleen's personal bit. Makes sense, I suppose - from one cunt to another.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Langston

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As I was washing my hair in the shower this morning, I read the label on the shampoo bottle and I'm still in shock!

The shampoo I use while showering, that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body!" Seriously, why haven't I noticed this before?

Now I understand why I have gained so much weight!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish-washing soap. It says on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

I'll tell you one thing, it pays to read the warning labels.

Offline Langston

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A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation.

The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," replied the priest, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Offline Derek

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As I was washing my hair in the shower this morning, I read the label on the shampoo bottle and I'm still in shock!

The shampoo I use while showering, that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body!" Seriously, why haven't I noticed this before?

Now I understand why I have gained so much weight!

I'll tell you one thing, it pays to read the warning labels.

Ah so that is where Richard & Obblie are going wrong  :hysterical: :hysterical: :bolt:

Offline Langston

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If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Offline Langston

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A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesnt really care.

Offline Baron

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.
 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"Feck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from? You sound English"
"I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?"
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 
Spent 40 on ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.
 
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
 
 
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years
 
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney .
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did.
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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Ryan Giggs has just become a national hero in Wales.

It is the first time a Welshman has been in a sex scandal that doesn't involve sheep!

*****

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.

The Librarian says, "No way! You lost the last two!"

*****

Last night as i came out of a nightclub, I was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Oral sex 20?"

I thought, why not and followed her into an alley next to the club.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two 10 notes and started pulling up her skirt!!!

*****

richard

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Last night as i came out of a nightclub, I was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Oral sex 20?"

I thought, why not and followed her into an alley next to the club.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two 10 notes and started pulling up her skirt!!!


Yes, it's just another Friday night in Bristol.  :yup:

Offline Razor

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I just tried to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act.

It was a nightmare on an automated phone system as I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..........

*****

My wife asked me to go to the doctors and get some medication for my erection problems.

She wasnt happy when i returned home and handed her a pack of slimming pills!

*****

Offline Baron

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Got a phone call from a mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free. I asked, ''Where did you get that?'' He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group up with the opera house in the background and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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 big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ...

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah seor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry seor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Seor. Sometimes the bull wins. "


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Langston

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    • Clangston at DeviantArt
 :hat3:

Offline Babs

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"Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!"

 - Irving Berlin

Offline crikey

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A woman is talking to her friend when she says, " It's really a shame, my boyfriend is losing his penis due to syphilis."
The friend looks at her and says, "Oh honey, you don't lose your penis because of syphilis!"
Woman looks back at her and replies, "You do when you've given it to ME..."
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Offline fred

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Hi, I'm unable to answer my mobile phone right now but if you leave a message the news of the world will email me later!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Some thieving git has stolen a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line.
She isn't bothered about the panties, but she wants the 12 pegs returned!

*****
My window cleaner knocked on my door and when i answered it, he went ballistic! he was shouting and frubbocking.

He had clearly lost his rag!

*****
My girlfriend bought a pair of "Meat Loaf" knickers.

On the front it says, "I will do anything for love".

And on the back it says, "but i wont do that!"

*****
Saw a sign today that made me piss myself,



"Toilets Closed"