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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 273231 times)

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Offline Baron

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I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.   
   
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets   

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools   

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"   

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!   

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the  porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”         

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in  Pakistan , I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

=======================================================================================================================================

 
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they put him

in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!


 

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab.

======================================================================================================================


I opened the post today and guess what – they sent my Census Form back!!!

 

In answer to the question ‘Do you have any dependents?’

 

I wrote ‘asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, most of Liverpool, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show, the Tipton Taliban, money grubbing MPs, Lloyds Bank, RBS Bank, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS, Civil Service pensioners and half of Eastern Europe’ ... and apparently it wasn’t the right answer.

============================================================================================================================================

Little Johnny was in a Birmingham classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase,’ To be or not to be, that is the question’?" asked the teacher...
Little Abdul at the front of the class called out.........'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."
'No thank you Miss. I am of Arabic origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.'
'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Hassan also at the front yelled out..... "Martin  Luther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher.. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thank you miss, I am of Pakistani origin and we also
Do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Hassan.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

 "Enoch Powell!" yelled little Johnny, "See ya Tuesday!!!!"


========================================================================================================


Australian Police Entrance Test
     
An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:  "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:  "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.  "When can you start?"

 
============================================================================================================================


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a
show in a small town.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
 
========================================================================================

The latest toy has hit the shops...

A  talking Muslim doll.
 
Nobody knows what the hell it says,
Because no one has the nerve  to pull the cord.

 
 

 

 


 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Razor

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I thought i heard my neighbours shagging last night, there was moaning, groaning and banging going on for ages. It turned out to be the elderly mother staying with them had taken a fall and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick to get my attention.

I feel pretty guilty about having that wank now!!!

*****
My son fell asleep at a house  party we had, so i decided to shave one of his eyebrows off and draw a large cock on his forehead.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to breast feed him!

*****
A little girl ran crying to her father asking for a glass of cider.

"What do you want cider for?" he asked.

"I have cut my hand on a thorn" she replied.

"But why the glass of cider?" the father again asked.

"Well" replied the little girl, "I overheard mummy telling her friend that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she just has to have it in cider!"

Offline Baron

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1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Langston

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I have succeeded in getting older and wider.
What?
I gotta get these ears cleaned.

Offline fred

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Quote from Waterstone's employee on the news: "We'll stay open, if they steal some books they might learn something"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many cats will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many apples will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

A very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I've already got a fucking cat at home !!!  

*****

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Certainly Sir" says Jervaise the waiter "Would you like to choose your
squid from the tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger meatier ones?"
 
"No"says the customer "It's got to be that one".

So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and the little squid looks up and smiles,twitching his bushy
moustache into a big friendly grin.

"It's no good" says Jervaise, "I just can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough man - he'll be able to do the evil deed".

So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. He picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and once again, the little friendly
squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill
him.

Which just goes to show ..............

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid
« Last Edit: Aug 13, 11, 08:39 AM by Razor »

Offline Baron

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Quote
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid

I just couldn't control a little  :gig: at that...
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Langston

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Quote from Waterstone's employee on the news: "We'll stay open, if they steal some books they might learn something"
http://newsthump.com/2011/08/11/government-blamed-after-bored-teenager-resorts-to-picking-up-a-book/

:D

Offline Langston

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richard

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Donut went down to Netto and said "I want to complain, this vinegar has lumps in it!"

The cashier said "Those are pickled onions..."

Offline Baron

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 :gig: :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I
have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will".

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset
and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans,
Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset
and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans,
Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."


You'll notice he failed to mention the frequent and open flirtation between Spock & Kirk... if you don't believe me, just watch a few old episodes...  :hat3:

Offline Razor

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I took the wife bungee jumping at the weekend. She jumped first, as her neck snapped and her skull split open spraying blood all over the rocks below, I thought "That'll feckin teach you to lie about your weight!"
*****

At least the guy eaten by a shark in the Seychelles didnt suffer too much, he was only married for 10 days!
*****

So the new Big Brother show has a swimming pool and Jedward in it.

Where the fuck is M ichael Barrymore when you need him?

*****

Dear Santa,

Dont bother coming to my house this year as Iv'e got loads of good stuff already, such as a 42" Plasma TV, an X Box and an Ipad.

Lots of love,

Delroy aged 9
Tottenham.

*****

Offline Baron

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Some cartoons not found in the daily newspapers.....
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

richard

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Did anybody else notice that the third one looks like a younger Obblie:hysterical:

Offline Razor

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I was walking past the fridge and I thought I heard a spring onion singing a Bee Gees song.

When I opened the door to have a look it was just a chive talkin.

*****
Q: What do you get if you cross Micheal Schumacher with Stephen Hawkins?

A: Scalectrix.

*****
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

But not to worry, i only suffered super fish oil injuries

*****
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little beggar has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said the man… “the little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms”

Offline Obblie

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Did anybody else notice that the third one looks like a younger Obblie:hysterical:

It still works now I'm older .....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline fred

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Steve Jobs' isn't happy this morning, as his text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple."

Damn you autocorrect!
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Razor

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A female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me though!"

The female dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and she says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the female dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!

Offline Razor

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I bought a racing snail from a French guy in the pub. It was very quick, but always seemed to come second. I decided to strip the shell from it, so that it would be lighter and faster. Unfortunately, it is now very sluggish!


Offline Razor

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The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes
on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure
barely covered by a tiny mini  skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see
she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.  No sooner had I taken
a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and
sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my
hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never
felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,'  I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to
play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd
of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up
and go but she took my hand off  her thigh and put it up the front of her
top.  Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert,
perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I  replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS
good before!'


Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have.  In that game, we
were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.  The
Opposition  kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught
it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off
a  couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over
their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with  about
2 or 3 seconds 'till full time.  We were still behind by one point, but I
had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she
was wet !!!!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a
perfect cnut?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'


richard

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'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'


 :hysterical:  I feel his pain...

Offline Derek

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The Two Priests

Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

Offline Obblie

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21 Oct 2006, 09:48 AM posted by Richard .......

DOCTOR!
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes