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Author Topic: BAD jokes only in this thread please - if easily offended fuck off.  (Read 258338 times)

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Offline fred

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An elderly married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
 "What colour?" they asked. He settled for white.
 "How much does it cost?" he asked.
 "£30."
 "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
 "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
 "No," he said, "nothing like that."
 "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
 He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a spaniel's ears?"
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gβf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Kat

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 :nooo:

Offline Obblie

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Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) Forum
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger,sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you*re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you*re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow*s feet and all those wrinkles on
my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don*t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Kat

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The last one reminds me of going into a "retro" shop, in Camden Lock. There were my teenage years, encapsulated.

Offline Obblie

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Unfortunately when you are even older you won't remember them .....
"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone". John Maynard Keynes

Offline Baron

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True, as I can hardly remember what I did yesterday, my home phone number, sometimes my name, but luckily I keep my drivers license and bus pass in my wallet, I just have to remember I have a wallet. and vaguely what pocket I have put it in.
But on the good side, I can remember from being about 5 years old and upwards for a bit.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll  around the marina, I noticed a man with  a long blade knife running  down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!” and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was  carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown! 

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help  those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department!

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps !
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Offline Baron

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This may amuse Yvonne (or not):

I'm about to take part in the "Great Bankstown Run". It's not an official race. You just stand in  the centre of Bankstown & shout "Allah is a Fuckwit" & then off we go....



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.

 

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call  no. '69'.



I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.



A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.



Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman  talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).



Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.



Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex  there and then. God, I love my new taser!



Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him 'Bankstown'.



If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham, just delete it. It's spam.



They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline handy

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 :)
If there was a tax on brains, i would get a rebate.

Offline Kat

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I didn't understand any of those.  :angel3:

Offline Baron

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A question with an unexpected answer:

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Sounds like my ex-sister-in-law...

Offline Baron

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 :hysterical:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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The new secretary...


Gary: "Your  new secretary is very sexy....."

Larry: "Thanks! She's  actually a robot, named Doreen.....

If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters.

Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental....

I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is".

Next day, Gary calls Larry from the hospital & shouts:

"Larry.....  You bastard!

You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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 :nooo:

Offline Baron

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I will carry out a very thorough inspection if I ever buy one of these robots, and try it out.... :yup: :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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I heard that joke many years ago. But, it was a hole in the wall with a sign saying "Your wife away from home" and the guy got a button sewn on the end of his Hampton.

Offline Baron

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Not heard that one, but I have now....cheers.. ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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I couldn't resist  :angel3: :hysterical:

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to usewatercannons on rioters.
They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.-



Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.Police think it
might be the start of Ram-a-dam.



 Riots in Birmingham
last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements



-Muslims have
gone on the rampage in Birmingham killing anyone who's English. Polic  fear the death toll could be as high
as 8 or 9.



Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "But, since all
the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! ------------------------------ —————————————



Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...They've told the public not to panic
as they've managed to push it inside. ------------------------------  —————————————



 



During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. spokesman
for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there". ------------------------------
—————————————



Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows
with minorities in mind, so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now. ------------------------------ —————————————



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone
stoop so low. ------------------------------  —————————————



was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking
a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" ------------------------------ —————————————



An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Rotherham much to the dismay of her
colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed  and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain
calm and stay on the line”
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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I actually tittered at a couple of those... :P

Offline Baron

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Aaawwww....thanks !
Just cleaning out my 'inbox'....again... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.