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Author Topic: British Humour  (Read 56 times)

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Offline Yvonne

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British Humour
« on: Feb 12, 18, 04:52 AM »

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, I couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said, "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
____________________________ _____

Angela Merkel arrives at PassportControl in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
______________________________ __________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

______________________________ __________

After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
______________________________ __________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
______________________________ __________

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
 I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

______________________________ __________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

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Offline handy

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #1 on: Feb 12, 18, 06:52 PM »
If there was a tax on brains, i would get a rebate.