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Author Topic: British Humour  (Read 447 times)

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Offline Yvonne

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British Humour
« on: Feb 12, 18, 04:52 AM »

BRITISH HUMOUR
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, I couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said, "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
____________________________ _____


Angela Merkel arrives at PassportControl in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
______________________________ __________


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

______________________________ __________

After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
______________________________ __________


I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
______________________________ __________


"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________


Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________


I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
 I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."


______________________________ __________


A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 
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Offline handy

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #1 on: Feb 12, 18, 06:52 PM »
 ;D
If there was a tax on brains, i would get a rebate.

Offline Kat

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #2 on: Apr 14, 18, 08:36 PM »
I wonder how a Yank would react, to those...

Offline Yvonne

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #3 on: Apr 15, 18, 09:44 AM »
I don't know one I could send it to.  ;) :)
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Offline Kat

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #4 on: Apr 15, 18, 05:49 PM »
Me, neither, I doubt they'd understand most of them.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #5 on: Apr 15, 18, 11:49 PM »
True  ::)
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Offline Baron

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Re: British Humour
« Reply #6 on: Apr 17, 18, 07:40 PM »
Great stuff for a giggle Yvonne !
Glad that Merkel joke was included, because I vaguely remember it, but not entirely....................but I do now !  8) ;D

A German chap with a sense of humour told me that a few years ago when using voice chat when playing World of Tanks online.... :gig:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.