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Author Topic: Just emptying out my 'in box'..  (Read 554 times)

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Offline Baron

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Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« on: Jul 14, 18, 11:56 AM »
Sit back, as this will take some time..... :gig:


1.                    A  kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.    "How  do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
 
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the  child innocently. 
You  did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You  know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."     

2.  A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five  minutes later.....
"Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm  thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No,  You had your chance. Lights out."Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad.....""WHAT?" "I'm  THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I  told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five  minutes later....."Daaaa-aaaad.....""WHAT!"
"When  you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
 
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,  finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"    The  boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
 
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm       a  mother was tucking her son into bed.       She  was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"         
The  mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A  long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
 
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the  children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as  she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,    "That  is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" 
The  little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."     

6  When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I  replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I  know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"     

7  A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two  plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three  plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His  mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The  little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And  this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes,"  he answered.
Infuriated,  the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The  teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The  mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After  the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
 
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken  Little       to  her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"         
The  teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One  little girl raised her hand and said,"I think he said:’Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The  teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
 
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm  Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."   Her  mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The  Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She  replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
 
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with  the boys?"         
Her  mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The  little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question,  “Who knows what a Resurrection is?” Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting   more  than 4 hours call your physician. The pastor is still laughing.

=========================================
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked: "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."


Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"


George said, "Okay."   He hung up the phone and counted to 30.   Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the  Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

========================================

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!! 

=====================================

Four  Pints of Foreign Blood!

 

Fred is a lifelong white racist living in Western Sydney. He is in a bad car crash.

 

When he comes round three days later in hospital the surgeon says:  "I've got good news and bad news.....

 

...the bad news is you have had two pints of African blood and two pints of Muslim blood".

 

Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

 

"Your penis is 6" longer and you’re on top  of the housing list."

===============================================
At the end of the tax year, the A.T.O. sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local  hospital.

While  the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said:  “I  notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free  roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

However, he  was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
           
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge.  "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every  so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!"  responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
 
====================================

That's it..........for now.... :hat3:

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #1 on: Jul 15, 18, 12:45 AM »
Quite amusing Baron;D

liked the last one best.  rofl
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Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #2 on: Jul 15, 18, 10:46 AM »
My pleasure to amuse you Yvonne.... :flowers: :hat3:  ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #3 on: Jul 16, 18, 01:46 PM »
 :nooo:

Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #4 on: Jul 16, 18, 05:48 PM »
I am sooo smooth.... :yup:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #5 on: Jul 25, 18, 01:57 PM »
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.



Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #6 on: Jul 25, 18, 02:00 PM »
Say no more.....

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #7 on: Jul 26, 18, 01:20 AM »
Good ones Baron;D

The guy isn't wearing a tie either, maybe he could use the front strap of her dress.  :gig:
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Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #8 on: Jul 26, 18, 10:35 AM »
I didn't think of that..........I am soooo naive.... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #9 on: Jul 26, 18, 01:16 PM »
That's not like you.  ;)
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Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #10 on: Jul 27, 18, 11:13 AM »
 :blush: :blush: :yup:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #11 on: Jul 27, 18, 12:08 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
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Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #12 on: Aug 12, 18, 10:49 AM »
Story seen in the Bankstown and Auburn local newspapers recently.


Local Lebanese and Asian leaders here are upset at the the Liberal Party for threatening to send back the illegal boat people and to restrict immigration.

So this weekend they boycotted all Australian-owned businesses in the Sydney area as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community.

The boycott was declared a success by the Lebanese community and Asian leaders, noting that revenue in Aussie-owned businesses was down by 19%.

However, it is reported that Aussie business owners also declared the boycott a success.

They pointed out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down  by 84%.

Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually  paid for purchases with real  money, not government debit cards or fake credit cards.


If true...... :gig: :gig: :gig: ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #13 on: Aug 12, 18, 11:39 PM »
The sooner they send them back the better. :tup:

The asian shops in our shopping centre with signs saying 'cash only' seem to be closing also.  ;D
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Offline Baron

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Re: Just emptying out my 'in box'..
« Reply #14 on: Aug 13, 18, 02:24 PM »
Yes, what has mass immigruntation and multicultural and diversity ever done for us ?

Nothing but make life difficult, and being forced to change our ways, because the incomers don't like them.
Yet they choose to come to a western country, and then bellyache about the food and our way of life.

I will get me coat....... :bolt:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.