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Author Topic: I was standing at a bar one night enjoying a drink, when.....  (Read 202 times)

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Offline Baron

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This  quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,  "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I   said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She   said, "Yes, Iíve got a pen".

I   said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost  me 6 stitches...but,

When   you're seventy...............who cares?

 **********
I   went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady  assistant:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I   said "No... She's pretty good  looking....."

 When  you're seventy.............who cares?

***********
I   was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.

She   said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I   said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."

Cost   me a fat lip, but...

When   you're seventy..............who cares?

**********

I   was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really"   she said, "Go on then... Try."

After   about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I   said, "Yesterday."

It  cost  me a kick in the nuts, but...

When   you're seventy...............who cares?

*********

I   got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool today.

The  attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.

When   you're seventy...............who cares?

**********
I   went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I   said, "Good legs."

The  woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I   said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost   me 6 more stitches, but...

When   you're seventy..............who cares?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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And I just thought you were using Botox.  ;D
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Offline Baron

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Nope, just good genes, lots of moisturisers, and healthy eating.... :hungry1:

Which of course is a load of old rollocks.... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Of course,  ;D

but I was only referring to the swollen lips.  :gig:
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Offline Baron

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Ah, I see.... :blush:
I blame not enough intake of coffee and ciggies to kick start my brain cell in activating 'understanding mode'..... :yup:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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I have a foggy brain at times too.  ;)
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Offline Baron

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Bloody nuisance it is too..... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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I was sitting at a Bar, when........... :beer2:

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink
and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.
 
I can't stand to see a man crying."
 
"This is the worst day of my life," I said.
 
"I'm a complete failure.
 
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
 
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen
and I don't have any insurance.
 
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
 
I found my wife with another man ... And then my dog bit me."
 
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all..
I buy a drink,
I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
 
Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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You're mad.

HTH.  ;D

Offline Baron

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Hey, thanks Kat, this confirms my Doctors diagnosis !...... :juice: ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.