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Author Topic: A couple of jokes..........I think....  (Read 552 times)

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Offline Baron

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A couple of jokes..........I think....
« on: Sep 27, 18, 11:52 AM »
This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina.

I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!” and "Death to all Infidels!,” when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.  I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.


============================

Welsh Wedding.......At  a  wedding reception the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX...... Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore -- A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong....... I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved,  winning 7 Tour de France races, while he was on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my damned bike.

Drive By..... A guy broke into my house last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

SCAM..... Just got scammed out of £25. Bought a Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute....... Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do  you know who the father is?" "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"
« Last Edit: Sep 27, 18, 11:57 AM by Baron »
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #1 on: Sep 27, 18, 10:00 PM »
 :pa

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #2 on: Sep 28, 18, 10:49 AM »
 :yup:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #3 on: Sep 28, 18, 10:59 AM »
An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman  said she would try her best.

The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight  of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that sort of behaviour in Heaven", said the Angel.

The woman replied:  "They're not crazy about it in Tesco  either!"

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #4 on: Sep 29, 18, 10:52 AM »
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm  on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.
 
'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her  left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says. 
 
As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes.
Just as long as you don't have to go along.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
 
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes!
 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #5 on: Sep 29, 18, 11:31 PM »
I hope I never grow old.  ;D  ;D
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Offline Kat

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #6 on: Sep 30, 18, 10:56 AM »
My brain's finally coming together...

...just as my body's falling apart. :(

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #7 on: Sep 30, 18, 11:38 AM »
It also surprises me when on the odd occasion I happen to look in the mirror, and think 'Who the heck is that, and get off my mirror !'
In the morning when I wake up, I like to stretch out my arms, and if I am not surrounded by a wooden box, then I know it is safe to get out of bed and stand up.........unless I promptly fall over of course.
Getting old is a ruddy nuisance, because body parts stop working properly, or fall off over night..........*sigh. :blush:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #8 on: Sep 30, 18, 11:38 AM »
My brain's finally coming together...

...just as my body's falling apart. :(

I know that feeling all to well mate.... :yup:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #9 on: Sep 30, 18, 11:39 AM »
I hope I never grow old.  ;D  ;D

Nope, you will just stay young and lovely..... ;D :flowers: :hat3:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #10 on: Sep 30, 18, 11:37 PM »
You flatter me.  ;D  :flowers:
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Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #11 on: Oct 01, 18, 10:50 AM »
 :-*
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #12 on: Oct 03, 18, 02:26 PM »
How to decide who to marry:

(written by kids 7 - 10)

1 . You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

2 . WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

3 . HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

4 . WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

5 . WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

6 . WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- - Howard, age 8

7 . IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

8 . HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

9 . HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 9


I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #13 on: Oct 04, 18, 11:13 PM »
Kids are smarter than you think.  ;D  ;D
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Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #14 on: Oct 05, 18, 04:37 PM »
Yep, they see life differently from us 'grown ups', although I am not so sure these days.
OK, it's just me then.... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #15 on: Oct 06, 18, 11:06 AM »
Google is not always your friend:

Oh what a tangled language English is and  how easy it is to misconstrue.....


A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely  time.

You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.

The next  night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face & knocked him Arse over Tit.

He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..


"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or a fence, no good in an open bed."

 
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #16 on: Oct 06, 18, 11:10 AM »
OOOppppsssss

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #17 on: Oct 07, 18, 10:28 AM »
Questions & Answers on getting old.....



Q: Where can men 70 & older find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.



Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.



Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes, Matthew 14:92: "& Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt".



Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your husband who is over 70 year old?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.



Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.



Q: Why should people 70 & older use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they parked the car.



Q: Is it common for people 70 & older to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.



Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon in front of their TV.



Q: Where should people 70 & older look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.



Q: What is the most common remark made by people 70 & older when they enter antique stores?

A: "Goodness! I Remember These”!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #18 on: Oct 07, 18, 10:12 PM »
Very true.  ;D
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Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #19 on: Oct 08, 18, 10:47 AM »
Unfortunately, very much so, from my experience..... :yup:
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #20 on: Oct 11, 18, 10:32 AM »
I rather doubt I'll see seventy, the way things are going.

Result!  :bale:

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #21 on: Oct 11, 18, 11:55 AM »
Nah, you will live on forever, and it's wonderful when you hit your 70's Kat, as if like me, you spend more time looking back over the years, than the future.... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #22 on: Oct 11, 18, 04:20 PM »
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate  embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started  to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving  Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt...Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face  when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped  her take off her shirt Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his  pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #23 on: Oct 12, 18, 10:41 AM »
 ;D

Offline Yvonne

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #24 on: Oct 12, 18, 10:58 PM »
What goes around comes around.  ;D
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Offline fred

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #25 on: Nov 04, 18, 06:18 PM »
Can you take skin from your buttocks and transplant it onto someone who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.
I jumped into a river in France and it turned out I was in Seine

O'r holl gerbydau'r Byd a gâf
Yr elor yw yr olaf

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #26 on: Nov 05, 18, 03:10 PM »
That depends on if the person is pointing a loaded shotgun at my face......... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Kat

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #27 on: Nov 06, 18, 11:02 AM »
God ruined a good arse, when he put teeth in your mouth.  ;D

Offline Baron

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Re: A couple of jokes..........I think....
« Reply #28 on: Nov 06, 18, 12:36 PM »
That has been pointed out to me a few times.......... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.