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Author Topic: Yvonne may understand.....No.1  (Read 259 times)

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Offline Baron

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Yvonne may understand.....No.1
« on: Aug 10, 19, 10:47 AM »
"Australia is a  very confusing place, taking up a large amount of
the  bottom half of the planet.  It is recognizable from  orbit because
of many unusual features, including  what at first looks like an
enormous bite taken out  of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs
which  plunge into the girting sea.  Geologists assure us  that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology, but  they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight",  proving that not only are they covering up a  more
Frightening theory but they can't spell  either.

The first of the confusing things about  Australia is the status of the
place.  Where  other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified  as
continent, island or country, Australia is  considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in  this.

The second confusing thing  about Australia is the animals.  They can  be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and  Sheep.  It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous  arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9  most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.  However, there are few
snakes, possibly because the  spiders have killed them all.

But even the  spiders won't go near the sea.  Any visitors should  be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them  on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and  generally everywhere else.  A stick is
very  useful for this task.

The last confusing thing  about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short  history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people  arrived
in boats from the north.  They ate all  the available food, and a lot of
them died.  The  ones who survived learned respect for the balance  of
nature, man's proper place in the scheme of  things, and spiders.  They
settled in and spent  a lot of the intervening time making up  strange

Then, around 200 years ago,  Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More  accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few  deranged
people in charge.  They tried to plant  their crops in autumn (failing
to take account of the  reversal of the seasons), ate all their food,
and a  lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived,  and have been treasured ever since.  It
is  interesting to note here that the Europeans always  consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race  they encounter, since
they can lie, cheat, steal and  litigate (marks of a civilized culture
they say),  whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive  being
left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,  equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of  people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday'  and became Australians.  The changes are subtle,  but deep,
caused by the mind-stretching expanses of  nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit  perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to  the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and  the
necessity of checking inside their boots every  morning for fatal
surprises.  They also picked  up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world,  and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.  Be  warned.

There is also the matter of the  beaches.  Australian beaches are simply
the  nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually  venturing
into the sea will have to contend with  sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which  sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be
a rock  and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that  will kill
just from the pain) and surfboarders.   However, watching a beach sunset
is worth the  risk.
As a result of all this  hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect  Australians to be a dour lot.  Instead, they are  genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a  kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable  odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly  and look for a stick.  Major engineering feats have  been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string  and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they  seem to be free from the 'Grass
is greener on the  other side of the fence' syndrome, and  roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the  other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or  "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's
Own  Country").


Don't ever put your hand down a hole  for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger  than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it  is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning  is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian  slang unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely  good in a fist fight.

Wear thick  socks.

Take good maps.  Stopping to ask  directions only works when there are
people  nearby

If you leave the urban areas, carry  several litres of water with you
at all times, or you  will die.  And don't forget a stick.

Even in  the most embellished stories told by Australians, there  is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to  ignore.


They  waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol  discount
vouchers stuffed in their wallet or  purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as  "Melbin".

They think it makes perfect sense to  decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas,  prawns and sheep etc.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a  perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga  Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy"  can't
be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will  contain beetroot.  Apparently it's a  must-have.
They don't think it's summer until the  steering wheel is too hot to
They  believe that all train timetables are works of  fiction.
And they all carry a stick and say "have  a good day mate "

« Last Edit: Aug 10, 19, 10:55 AM by Baron »
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Baron

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Re: Yvonne may understand.....No.2
« Reply #1 on: Aug 10, 19, 10:55 AM »
The Pope and Bill Shorten are on the same stage in Sydney Stadium, in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Shorten and said, "Do you know that, with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy ? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice !"

Shorten replied, "I seriously doubt that !! With one little wave of your hand ?....Show me !!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage !!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land !!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline Yvonne

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Re: Yvonne may understand.....No.1
« Reply #2 on: Aug 11, 19, 03:41 AM »
You don't carry a stick, but a leafy twig to swish away the flies in summer & the frogs in the park toilets up north.  :D

I've never been bitten by a spider, only stung by a bee.  :D

Camera - Nikon - Coolpix P510


Offline Baron

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Re: Yvonne may understand.....No.1
« Reply #3 on: Aug 11, 19, 10:40 AM »
My mum (Brisbane) used to call swatting away the flies, the 'Aussie wave'.... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.