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Author Topic: Long string of jokes...sorry about that...  (Read 55 times)

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Offline Baron

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Long string of jokes...sorry about that...
« on: Dec 04, 19, 10:55 AM »

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.


Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.


Worse:  Your daughter borrowed them.


 


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.


Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.


Worse:  You’re in them.


 


Good: Your husband understands fashion.


Bad:  He’s a crossdresser.


Worse:  He looks better than you.


 


Good: Your son’s finally maturing.


Bad:  He’s involved with the woman next door.


Worse:  So are you.


 


Good:  You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.


Bad:  She keeps interrupting.


Worse:  With corrections.


 


Good:  Your wife’s not talking to you.


Bad:  She wants a divorce.


Worse:  She’s a lawyer.


 


Good:  You came home for a quickie


Bad:  The postman had the same idea.


Worse:  You have to wait.


 


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.


 


She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.




As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.


Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.


He jumped on the bars,


and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.




The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.




He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.


She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.


Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.




She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.




He said, "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him."


This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,


flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.



"Now. Tell him you have a headache."


 


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


 


There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big,


trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."


 


"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure.


I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,


I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.


I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener,


and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.


 


I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it,


and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!!


But enough about me, how's your day going?


 


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


 


 


I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.


A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”


I told him “I wish I had your will power”!


 


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”


I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '


 


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.


A man asks What is wrong??


The boy says me Ma is dead.


Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?


The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.


 


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...


But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.


After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,


"Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded,


"Yes, that is still one of our laws."


The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."


The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,


"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied,


"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him,


"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."


The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.


Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline handy

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Re: Long string of jokes...sorry about that...
« Reply #1 on: Dec 04, 19, 05:44 PM »
Knock  knock anybody there ? no jokes on my screen.
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy

Offline Baron

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Re: Long string of jokes...sorry about that...
« Reply #2 on: Dec 12, 19, 03:32 PM »
What, what, how, really, as I can seem them on my screen!?
Nip over here mate and I can show you them..... ;D
I intend to live forever. So far, so good - But, too many Birthdays can kill you.

Offline handy

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Re: Long string of jokes...sorry about that...
« Reply #3 on: Yesterday at 07:04 PM »
Thanks that's Chrismas Dinner sorted then  :hat3:.
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy